I got emotional last night.
"I've got to finish this thing with the Trees," I said to Clarke over a beer. We were sitting in chairs on his backyard lawn, watching the sunset.
"Yeah, you sure do go out there a lot," he said. "But I don't know what you're all upset about." I had my eyes closed in quiet, intellectual anguish. I lifted my face, lit a cigarette, and took a deep breath. He laughed at me, asking "What are you getting so worked up about?"
I laughed too -obligatorily. "Yeah, you're right. But I'm scared I'm wasting my life on something unworthy of my attention."
"Well, I don't know," said Clarke, uncomfortably, watching the light tone of the conversation collapse.
"It's like you divorcing Leonore," I insisted -getting a little too personal. "You look back on that time with her and you've got regrets. Imagine you could talk to your 27 year old self and tell him how to avoid whatever needed to be avoided with that situation. I'm trying to figure out what mistakes not to make, and I'm afraid obsessing over the Trees might be a doozy. Or I'm afraid of failing to act properly on that obsession."
Clarke was looking at me, hard. "But how can you know," he asked, "what's a mistake until you make it?"
I started to ramble. "Clarke, with the Trees," I began, then changed direction. "No." I exhaled and started over. "It's just that we live in a time when you can't do heroic stuff. Y'know? Unless you join the army or something there's no big moment where you get to discover if you're a coward or whatever, and so I've got to look at the way I walk to the grocery store or behave with my friends, and try to discern the same information. Am I doing these things well? Am I living well generally? How do you live well in a quiet world where nothing changes and people are mostly pretty content? Should I be out looking for injustices?" I took a sip of my beer.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Clarke replied. "But whatever it is, I think you're talking about it the wrong way." He refused to be any more specific.
15 comments:
I'm not convinced that Clarke is as satisfied with his life as he pretends to be, but I think he may have something to say about living. I hope you keep talking to him. But talking and thinking about the trees too.
I've been thinking about how to respond to this all day.
I don't think Clarke is satisfied either, and I think I've told him this in different words. But he's not a truth-seeker. It's not his chosen hunger. He is too involved with living his life (in a good way, I think) to worry about abstract questions of regret or discontent. That's my take at least.
He doesn't care to philosophize, for fear of over-thinking his life. He's a man of simple pleasures, in the most profound sense.
I'm undecided whether his reluctance to engage with the abstract is a stroke of genius or a mis-step.
"He may have something to say about living." Yes. And his settled and discreet discontent may be something I should learn from him.
I'm sure he'd be embarrassed to read this.
"Well, I don't know," said Clarke, uncomfortably, watching the light tone of the conversation collapse."
This sentence provides the perfect summary of how Clarke approaches living and realting with others. To me it is a mis-step, but I too remain unsure.
I love this philosophical exchange with Clarke. Your paragraph about heroic stuff was particularly interesting. I think we've been conditioned to only think of heroism in big terms...but, as you say, the everyday little things are what true heroism is all about. I also wonder if people are really "mostly pretty content". If we could see inside others (scary thought) we might find all sorts of discontent which gets masked on the outside through things like denial or indifference for instance. Or am I being too negative? Thanks for making me think.
I don't want to embarrass Clarke, so I'll stop there. But I like this conversation, a LOT.
Stewart:
Are people "mostly pretty content"? I'd say that, relative to the rest of the world, yes -we citizens of Hafford are mostly pretty content. But I take your point. Obviously there's always trouble brewing in us somewhere -and that's a cause for serious reflection.
Richard:
I offer you a whole-hearted welcome to the site. I'm taking immense pleasure in your God and Alcohol blog.
I told Clarke about this entry some time last week, so he read it. Afterwards he came over to my place looking a little sheepish and said, "jeez, I didn't know I was giving so much away."
Although, I'm not sure that means he thinks we've got him figured out CORRECTLY. I should've asked.
I hope Clarke was not upset about "giving so much away". He helped spark intrigue and made alot of us think inside and outside ourselves. We learn from the people around us, if we let ourselves (because like it or not, we are all always giving something away). So thank you Matthew for sharing these people with us. We can learn from them and have them be a part of our lives too, thanks to your blog and open writing.
Hi! I could have sworn I've been to this website before but after reading through some of the post I realized it's new to me.
Anyways, I'm definitely glad I found it and I'll be book-marking and checking back frequently!
Here is my web page :: This Webpage
Good post. I absolutely love this website.
Keep writing!
installing hardwood floors
My blog post ... cleaning hardwood floors
Hi there, all is going well here and ofcourse every one
is sharing facts, that's truly excellent, keep up writing.
cleaning hardwood floors
Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you be acquainted
with then you can write or else it is complicated to write.
my web-site; treatment for toenail fungus
Excellent article. I definitely appreciate this
site. Continue the good work!
Also visit my web-site ... See more
Hurrah! At last I got a web site from where I be
capable of in fact get useful facts regarding
my study and knowledge.
My web blog :: click here
I know this if off topic but I'm looking into starting my own weblog and was curious what all is required to get set up? I'm assuming having a
blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I'm not very web smart so I'm
not 100% sure. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Kudos
Here is my blog post read this post here
Post a Comment